my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
