you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just found puke in my bra..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
