you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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