capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
