mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
3 2 1 whiskey
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
