How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
