Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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