I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
