I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
