Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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