Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize