I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
