My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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