Will you blow on my dice?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
