dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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