can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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