as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
