if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
