This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
