Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
