just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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