I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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