Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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