The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
from now on my penis is your penis
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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