he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
