I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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