I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
