I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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