i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
