Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize