Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I have fence marks all over my body
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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