Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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