she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
