You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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