i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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