I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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