I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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