obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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