Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
