I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
