Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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