Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
