You made me cry and you don't even care
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
