Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
