I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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