Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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