That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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