I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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