Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
