i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
