you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
