I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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