Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
