I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
