do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Randomize
