hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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