I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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