Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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