god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
