An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize