but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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