The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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