I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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