based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
