If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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