you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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