I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
