i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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