Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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