i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
