i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
